struggling with disordered eating

So let's get real about eating disorders.

I am not diagnosed with an eating disorder of any kind, and I am still learning about what qualifies and how to identify if you have one, and I am not saying that I have one; however, I struggle with disordered eating habits. 

Before I began my health journey, I clearly struggled with eating habits that were not beneficial to my health or lifestyle. Food had become a sedative and a way to deal with depression and cycles of sadness and dissatisfaction in my life. I remember how good I felt while eating, how for a moment, things felt better if I had something delicious in front of me. I would sometimes eat until I became sick. Afterwards, I would feel terrible. Sometimes I would throw up or be so full, I would have to lay down for a while. It was a terrible way to live that really impacted my quality of life.

When I began my health journey, I was really attracted to the balanced food and health lifestyle that Whole30/paleo eating had provided my life. I learned about my body's relationship to food and how much of it begins in the mind, and a lot of begins with healing inner wounds and the places in us that cause us to overeat or have an unhealthy relationship to food. I was able to maintain several months of a really peaceful, balanced relationship with food.

However, toward the end of last year, I noticed that I had developed another unhealthy relationship with food. This time, it was on the opposite end of the spectrum. I had become obsessed with seeing the number on the scale dip lower and lower - especially on a daily basis. I noticed that if I barely ate, or ate just one meal, I could lose up to a pound a day. I would go week's with only eating once a day. I lost the last twenty pounds doing this. 

It was causing my friend's to become scared. I would obsess and go on and on about how frightened I was of eating too much. If the scale didn't move, or God forbid, go up... I would starve myself all day. I would go out with my friends and choose not to eat and just watch them. I would go to the gym and spend a couple of hours walking ridiculous amounts or biking. It was an addictive feeling - the high of going to bed hungry, my stomach gnawing itself in my sleep. Feeling so tired and worn out from exercising on barely any food...

Eventually, it became such a problem, I started another Whole30 to try to balance myself back out. But I would fall back into the same unsafe eating patterns.

About a month ago, I had another depressive swing. I was at my lowest weight of 156lbs. I was posting constantly on @paleobeyonce. I was still so unhappy with how I looked and how I felt - I would grab parts of my body and try to pull it off of me. I was so disgusted with myself. I wanted to know why no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't be thin like the rest of my friends. 

Eventually, this lifestyle became too much for me, and I started to lean toward the other end of the spectrum again. I ate whatever I wanted again. I drank whatever I wanted. I completely avoided exercise and ate whatever food tasted good even though I am sensitive to certain foods. It provided that same high that I was addicted to feeling, but on the other end of things. I started eating bread daily, and it made me incredibly sick every time. I was at a work conference, and I ate lasagna and immediately afterwards, I threw up in the bathroom. My body just couldn't take it.

At this same work conference, I ended up looking at myself in the mirror. I made a snide comment about my double chin, and a friend I was rooming with looked at me and said, "Emmie, does a day go by where you don't say something about how you look?"

It suddenly occurred to me. I am obsessed with myself. I am obsessed with how I look because I have been programed to believe this is the only thing I offer the world as woman. My value is placed in how thin I can be while still possessing a thickness in all the right places. And I had lost all sight of why I began this journey in the first place - to be the best, healthiest, happiest version of myself. I am not doing this to please anyone or meet some unrealistic expectation - the only person I have to live with the rest of my life, is myself.

All that being said, I am admitting that I struggle with disordered eating and pretty distorted body image issues. And I need to shift my focus to addressing these issues... again. But this time, with grace and love for myself. So I am hoping to shift my social media presentation to a most holistic and honest approach to living a healthy life on every sphere of health. 

Does anyone else relate? Does anyone else have tips?

I am going to start another Whole30 tomorrow. My focus is going to be on eating three meals a day, and dealing with my relationship with food. AND I AM GOING TO PUT THE SCALE AWAY FOR REAL. Because the scale really is a lying bish.

Let's achieve our health goals together!