It's been four months since my last post and much has happened that has contributed to my neglect of self-care. I have struggled with recurring depressive episodes, really, incredibly, mind-blowingly heartbreaking and tough things at my job, and let's not forget... I just plain haven't cared about health and fitness as some personal and positive life changes have been so blissful, I haven't worried much about it. A perfect storm for fat to return to my stomach and ass (and NOT in the good way).
Oh well. It happens right?
I am not one of those people who can just not care about it for a couple of months and it not affect my body. I have a lifetime of issues associated with food and exercise that have made gaining weight incredibly easy for me, and though I wish it weren't the case, unfortunately, my relationship with food is unhealthy so if I am not consistently aware of what I am eating over a period of several days, fat will begin to creep on quite quickly. In short: until I figure out how to not binge eat or overeat, I will have to be mindful of my health and fitness endeavors constantly. I can't just slack for a few weeks and jump back in without my body changing - no, when I go down... I TAKE THE WHOLE DAMN SHIP WITH ME.
All that being said, the past two months... I REALLLLYYYYYY haven't cared. I have eaten and drank whatever the eff I wanted, and the effects of that has meant I have become too lethargic and tired to work out. Ohh baby, you can imagine I really messed up big time here as I am literally a chubby hamster caught on a wheel of despair of my own making.
And yet, all is well.
It's okay because life is a series of ups and downs, gains and losses, victories and failures... it is a beautiful journey that hasn't ended for me yet. I have been doing the difficult and challenging work of reframing what has happened to me these past few months so that my "all or nothing" mind can accept my body once again. As I said on my Instagram, I smashed the scale against the wall... so I don't know how where I am at weight wise, but I can feel it when I put on my clothes - I can see it in pictures and my family has made nice passive-aggressive comments about it. (thanks guys.) Despite the fact that I have gained weight, and I have lost a lot of my momentum, I have not failed.
Because let's be real... this... this is always going to be a life long battle for me. I will constantly be at war with my disordered eating, with fear and negligence of fitness - this is a part of me, but it does not define me. And this is a battle I intend on winning right now.
So despite not being my lightest weight - despite not having eaten well, clean, or whole in the past few months - and despite having lost a lot of stamina and strength.... I will pick myself up again. Because I am so much stronger than I could have imagined. Look at far I have come! This is just another pitstop in journey... another mountain to climb... and I just continuing the journey.
_
I am committing the next month to finding balance and renewing a healthy relationship with food and fitness. My start date is today (October 26, 2016) even though I have technically been eating clean for the past four days, and my end day is Thanksgiving! (Nov 24, 2016)
I am committing to the following in order to reset myself again because I am not doing a Whole30 this time:
-Gluten free
-Under 50g of net carbs each day
-No alcohol
-No weighing myself (not that I can- no scale!)
-Develop practices to self-love and self-care and post them to keep myself accountable
Cause there is no room for negative self talk.
Let's do it.
Let's achieve our goals.
