the story

Honestly, it isn't a "Before & After Story." I guess I am starting to resent that particular phrase because the whole expression denotes some sort of 'worse' vs. 'better' mentality or it communicates a fixed event in time that all things either relate to as 'before' the event or 'after.' This isn't a "Before & After Story," but just a story that is still being told, or as Natasha Bedingfield would say, is still 'unwritten.' I am not living my 'after,' nor do I despise my 'before,' I am learning that all pieces of me, at all times, are wonderful and equal parts of what makes me who I am and who I will be. That being said, this is, I guess... "The Story:"

Showing more of my "Beyonce" side.

My name is Emmie, or you may know me as @Paleobeyonce on Instagram. (Trust me, I regret choosing that name to do this day, but hindsight is 20/20.) Roughly two years ago in late March of 2014, I began a journey that I assumed would progress as most of my other health endeavors would - I figured I would lose about 20 pounds, feel great for just long enough to feel like it was okay to go back to my old lifestyle habits for a little bit, only to go back permanently, gain it all back and then some. You know, it was a little two month long game I liked to play with myself whenever I had a burst of energy.

I haven't been at a healthy weight since middle school. I couldn't point to some event or circumstance in my past that led me to become unhealthy, but if I had to guess, I would say it was a vicious cocktail of clinical depression and transitioning to high school as an "average and plain-looking girl" just at the moment puberty struck. There we go! And over the years, I continued to pack on the pounds until I reached my heaviest weight the year after I graduated college.

Because I had been overweight for all of my adult life, I was just used to it. I was used to the existential dread that was clothing shopping and pool parties and boys... I was used to being the Melissa McCarthy of the group... the DUFF... the funny and loud but fat one of my friend group. I was used to assuming that boys wouldn't find me attractive unless I was some sort of fetish for them. I was used to the sinking feeling of looking at magazines and women on the TV and then wanting to vomit when I caught sight of myself in the mirror.... It is the same story so many women experience. There is a real phenomenon that I lovingly refer to as the "Fat Girl Mentality." And for the life of me, I doubt it will ever go away.

You can physically sense my discomfort.

However, in March 2014, something changed for me. I don't know exactly what it was... and I don't think I ever imagined that it would lead to something more permanent and real, but for what felt like the millionth time, I had that "a-ha" moment when I decided to change my lifestyle.  I started a Whole30 that actually stretched into a Whole60, and by the end of those two months, I had lost about 40 pounds. I felt AMAZING. I had reached the weight that I always seemed to reach when I tried to lose weight: 185 pounds. It was the lowest weight I had known since my early high school days, and it was an amazing accomplishment. What was even more amazing, unlike every other diet and lifestyle change I had tried before, I didn't gain it back within the next few months. In fact, I kept it off for over a year, and as each moment of maintaining that weight went by, I became more accustomed to this "new me" and grew braver, throwing out some of my old "fat" clothes and choosing confidence over self-hatred.

After about of year of maintaining that initial 40 pound weight loss, I decided to invest even more of myself into holistic health eating and living. Slowly and surely, after a Whole100 and tons of new adventures, I lost another 28 pounds, putting me at the lowest weight of my adult life. (Literally, I found my journal from freshman year of high school where I recorded my weight, and I weighed ten pounds less than I did back then! WOW!)

68lbs lost, so much gained!

So, yes, I am in just as much shock about the changes I have undergone as the next guy. I feel remarkably different than I did for most of my life. Physically, I have had many of my health problems disappear with a healthy lifestyle. For most of my life, I struggled with depressive episodes, insomnia, IBS, irregular menstrual cycles, terrible joint pain, and anemia. I rarely have flareups or issues with any of these conditions now, unless of course I indulge on foods that irritate and inflame the body. Also, physically, I have been more fit and able to engage in fun activities than at any other point in my life! I have, in the past year alone, taken up weight lifting, hiking, running and biking... it has been so amazing to see the things that my body is capable of!

I am still on this journey. I will be for all of my life. But every day of this journey has been worth it, and I am learning more and more about myself and choosing a fuller life everyday. This isn't a "Before & After Story" about weight loss, this is just "The Story." And I am still writing it. I still have a ways to go to reach peak health both weight wise and lifestyle wise, and I will keep aiming for more. I invite you to be a part of this story with me, and I will share what knowledge I have gleaned over the years... Note: knowledge, not wisdom. ;)

Let's achieve our goals together! 

Thanks for listening,
Emmie